Peace
My son’s New Year’s Resolution is to buy more Lego and build more Lego. Amen to that.
My friend once called me the ‘Reb-enezer Scrooge of New Year’s’. Maybe I protested too much, but January 1st just never lived up to my way-too-extravagant hopes of change and newness. And I definitely didn’t live up to my own expectations in the resolutions department (which was inevitable because they were RIDICULOUS and may have been more successful had they been Lego-related).
There is no magic cure in a New Year. There are situations I’d reeaaalllyyyyyy like to leave behind in 2021. But despite my new hopes and my new planner (it’s a goodun just sayin’), those situations aren’t going to disappear or turn into a pumpkin at midnight.
And yet, while I won’t see much change around me on January 1st, something has changed within me. This year, Jesus became my peace.
I know, I know, I can hear the tumble weed too. It’s hardly a mic-drop revelation. But hear me out. I’ve always KNOWN Jesus brings peace and I’ve always, albeit half-heartedly, asked for His peace. But in 2021 the raging voice of doubt was loud and my faith was quiet. What I knew didn’t always match what I believed. At one point I even wondered what it would look like for my marriage if I walked away from the God who unites us. I’m not sure if you’re allowed to be so candid about doubt online so if anyone needs me, I’ll probably be hiding in a hole after this.
But, and I mean this with all my heart, I found this one thing to be true; every time I fought for my faith; Jesus fought for me.
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When I moved from the ‘home-school’ seat to the ‘Working From Home’ seat at the same dining-room table; Jesus was my peace.
When I finished up a brutal perinatal counselling session and my husband was waiting to stroke my hair and pray for me; Jesus was my peace.
When I cried myself to sleep because the darkness seemed like it would never lift; I woke to find that Jesus was my peace for another day.
When my baby was 30 mins from exiting my body, my husband wasn’t allowed into the hospital yet, and a stranger caught my folder while I had a contraction on a zebra crossing lol; I blasted the Bible through my earphones and Jesus was my peace.
When my older child’s emotional pain seemed too much to carry and I longed for the ‘easy’ days of scuffed knees and toddler tantrums; Jesus was my peace.
When I watched loved ones walk through the deepest valleys and I had zero answers but many ‘Why?’ questions, Jesus was my peace.
When our financial circumstances changed and God provided in miraculous ways; Jesus was my peace before and after the miracle.
When my mind was ruled by anxiety about my past and anxiety about my family’s future, and I had to recite Psalm 3 to get to sleep every night; Jesus was my peace.
When I searched and doubted and searched and doubted and searched some more; in the end, Jesus was always my peace.
So I may be bringing all the nasty STUFF with me into the new year, but I’m also bringing every testimony of Jesus’ faithfulness. I’m excited, not because of my resolutions to ‘do better’, but because it’s another page turned. And on every page, He was and is my peace. I resolve to remember that.